Shock and Denial

In this stage, the person suffers from shock. The shock is a self defense stage of the mind and the outcome is often a strong denial of the facts that have actually happened. As in:

 “I can’t believe the Celtics just got blown off the court at home by the ****ing Philadelphia 76ers. The Sixers are terrible. I choose to believe that this did not happen.”

Or

“Rasheed will start sinking those threes sooner or later. I know he will.”

Or

“They’ll beat the Atlanta Hawks some time this year.”

Or

“Ray Allen is having an excellent season. No, really.”

A person in grief cannot accept the grief causing situation and even makes them inexplicably place their hopes for a better future in the fumbling hands of Tony Allen.

Pain and Guilt

At this stage, the grieving person realizes that the loss that has happened is true. Intense feelings of guilt and handwringing are experienced. Sometimes, people in grief blame themselves and consider themselves responsible for what’s gone wrong. As in:

“The Celtics lost to the Warriors tonight because I forgot to wear my lucky Dino Radja jersey and not because they hate playing team defense.”

Or

“Boston turned the ball over 19 times again tonight because I forgot to DVR the first quarter of the game and not because they clearly don’t give a sh** about playing hard in the regular season anymore.”

Anger

The grieving person may get angry due to the injustice that has happened to him as a loyal fan or he may get angry over the people responsible for the sustained and completely unjustifiable stretch of terrible basketball where his favorite team loses at home TO THE NETS!!!! THE NETS, PEOPLE!!!! I GAVE UP SEVERAL HOURS OF MY TIME ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON TO WATCH THIS BUNCH OF LOLLYGAGGING SAD-ASS EXCUSES FOR PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYERS LOSE TO A TEAM THAT’S THE MODERN-DAY EQUIVALENT OF THE WASHINGTON MOTHER****ING GENERALS!!!!

At this stage, the sufferer may become compelled to write angry manifestos on blogs and message boards, rant to their spouses and co-workers or even call up a Celtics-themed internet radio show to yell at Steve Bulpett. Anger retardation is necessary at this stage of grief.

Bargaining

After the painful stage of anger, the person in grief moves on to illogical bargaining with a higher being. In this stage, the person tries to find out ways in which he can reverse the situation and compensate for what has gone wrong. As in:

“I’m sorry about all those mean thoughts I had about Mark Blount and Ricky Davis a few years ago. I didn’t really want them to be run over by cement mixer trucks repeatedly. I just wanted them to play better and maybe try harder, you know? What can I do to make up for my transgressions?”

Or

“If I promise to watch ‘Kobe Doin’ Work’ on a constant loop for the next 24 hours straight, will you please give the Celtics some heart again? Please? You know how much I hate Kobe Bryant and Spike Lee. Getting these Celtics guys to play hard again is the least you can do for me in exchange for watching 24 hours of horrible Kobe propaganda, right?”

Depression and Sorrow

In the next stage, the person accepts that his favorite team is aged, injury-prone and suffering from some sort of bad chemistry mojo that cannot seemingly be diagnosed or fixed. Depressed and demoralized, the person in despair boos his team lustily at first, then realizes that it’s all just a waste of time and heads for the parking garage or the nearest barstool on Causeway Street.

Testing and Reconstruction

This is the testing stage in which the depressed person starts to indulge in other activities so as to escape the disturbing sorrow. Such activities include talking to your wife, being productive at your job or watching the 2008 championship DVD to remind yourself what good basketball looks like. In fact, this is the beginning of the next and last stage, i.e. acceptance of and coming to terms with the reality that the Celtics aren’t even better than Milwaukee or Chris Wallace’s Memphis team anymore.

Acceptance

This is the final stage of grief, when the grieving person accepts the reality. Not only does the person accept the reality but he also becomes stable. He laughs when Rasheed Wallace hoists another straightaway three instead of passing the ball to create a better shot. He shakes his head in bemusement when Tony Allen drives into four defenders on the fast break and crashes out of bounds with the ball. He nods wisely when a random Celtic, and it could be any one of them really, watches an opponent outhustle him to the ball or watches from afar as their defensive assignment hoists a yet another wide open three instead of charging full bore to run them off the shot. He knows by now that this is in fact the norm now, and that he will choose not to care more about the team winning the games than the players themselves.

And therein lies the peace, upon the completion of the seven statges. Or so I’m told anyway. Me, I’m still stuck on anger. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some voodoo dolls to construct.